Categories, Faith, Personal, Rambles

Never Give Up

 

 

What do you do when you feel like giving up? What do you do when you feel like you don’t have any motivation to keep moving on? There are so many times in my life where I can look back and pinpoint where I’ve had a meltdown, been in a slump, didn’t want to move and/or didn’t want to do the things I once loved.

Most of these points in my life I can point back to death, I can point back to when my Grandma, Aunt, Dad, Uncle, Boyfriend and Mom all took their final breaths. Each and every single time that happened I was at a different point in my life. My grandma and my Aunt, I was still young but those were the first two deaths that I remember actually understanding what was going on to the fullest impact.

It wasn’t until my Dad passed that I found myself in a huge slump and didn’t understand what was going on and why I had to keep on keeping on when he was no longer around. I remember the days of just sitting in my dorm room and my roommates never gave up and continuously invited me out even though they knew I was going to turn them down. I tried to learn how to knit but I quickly gave up.

When Joel committed suicide, I couldn’t even explain to you how much that impacted me. I remember the phone call and I remember how my gut just knew before the words were even spoken and how much I regretted fighting with him the night before and how much I wish I could’ve stopped it and been there but it’s something that I had no control over.

I remember deciding that living 100+ miles away from my Mom and brother wasn’t in the best interest for me anymore, that my depression had become too much to be away from the two people who meant the most to me. It was hard leaving my friends that I had made, but I knew I made the right decision when I decided to transfer to Wayne State and when I began that Fall, it felt like every bad thing that ever happened was a learning experience to bring me to where I was at that moment.

I remember carpooling with a friend to school and telling her that we were going to have to stay later because I was going to look at rushing a sorority because I thought it was going to be the easiest way to make friends being a commuter to the school. I remember her telling me I was crazy, but then she quickly signed up as well. I remember those two weeks where I met so many girls but quickly found my way home with Alpha Epsilon Phi and I wouldn’t change those years because those years brought me the best sisters and friends that helped me through the worst of times.

I remember feeling lost (I still do sometimes). I remember not being able to decide on a major because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life (still don’t). I remember quickly decided on getting my degree in Communication Studies because I enjoyed the classes and it was the quickest degree I could get. I don’t regret it one bit though because those years I spent learning and living life taught me so much. It taught me how to feel.

Honestly though, I can honestly say that I didn’t truly learn how to completely feel every single emotion until I lost my Mom. I remember feeling the same emotions when I lost my Dad a few years prior, but this time it was amplified. However, this time it was different. While last time I let the emotions I felt push me into a deep dark depression, this time I fueled those emotions to better myself and sometimes I honestly have to remind myself how far I’ve come and to stop comparing myself to others.

There is no cookie cutter version of life. You can’t “cheat your way through the system”. Life is honestly something that is meant to be lived and you’re supposed to feel every emotion and moment.

“Many times when God isn’t changing your circumstances, it’s because He’s mostly concerned with changing YOU within the circumstances. Your character, your integrity matters to Him because they are everlasting qualities. The wisdom, the strength and the maturity that grows within you are all things you’re going to need to sustain the calling God has on your life. Know that there is a purpose in your pain.” – Brittney Moses

I, too, often get caught up in comparing my life to others and wishing I was where they were. Often, I need to bring myself down to earth and remind myself that in due time, God will reveal a plan that is bigger (and better) than mine. So here’s a reminder to myself (and you if you need it as well): Don’t waste one more minute comparing yourself to other people. This journey and life is yours alone. God needs you to fulfill YOUR purpose, not to try to fulfill someone else’s.

And remember, we aren’t called to be like other Christians; we are called to be like Christ.

“I will walk by faith even when I can not see.” – 2 Corinthians 5:7

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